Essay Samples
Ever read an essay that just hits different? It’s more than grammar and punctuation—it’s about telling your story in a way that resonates. Here’s a peek at our process here. Below are real examples of essays that went through our revision and feedback process, evolving from initial drafts into powerful pieces that truly reflect each student’s voice. Take a look and see what happens when thoughtful guidance meets your authentic story.
Sample one - Stanford Short Question
Name one thing you are looking forward to experiencing at Stanford. (50 word limit)
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Stanford is synonymous with the Silicon Valley startup ecosystem and I am most excited to pursue the entrepreneurship pathways at STVP. As an aspiring engineer with goals of developing new products I look forward to joining the Mayfield Fellows Program to receive mentorship, develop connections and build an entrepreneurship mindset.
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I think demonstrating awareness and excitement for STVP and MFP is excellent, but you're using 50% of your word count relaying facts that Stanford already knows (i.e. I would strike everything up to "startup ecosystem" and get straight to your point, which is that you want to pursue entrepreneurship pathways, but more importantly to do what). Things that would be more telling would be what types of products you want to develop, how will that make people's lives better, what specifically you hope to gain out of MFP, what your ultimate dream is (a specific product, a specific industry, your own company, a specific impact), etc. I know it's only 50 words but if Steve Jobs were to write this for example, he might say something like he wants to put personal computing products into the hands of every single person.
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I am most excited about pursuing the entrepreneurship pathways at STVP. I look forward to joining the Mayfield Fellows Program to receive mentorship, develop connections and build an entrepreneurship mindset. My goal is to develop AI-enabled robotic surgical equipment and STVP will act as a launchpad for my idea.
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Great!
1. Question for you (not nec asking you to put it in there but I'd like to understand): Why do you want AI robotic surgical equipment? What sparked or drives your interest in this? This exists already yes - but you think it's still very nascent and/or underdeveloped or you just want to be involved in furthering this technology? Tangentially, you have no interest in pursuing a medical career given your affinity to building medical equipment?
2. I would flip it. As an aspiring engineer, my goal is to develop AI-enabled robotic surgical equipment. Your teased out and summarized "why" will go here. I am excited to pursue entrepreneurship pathways via STVP, in particular joining the Mayfield Fellows Program as a launchpad for my idea. (Alternatively you can be more specific about what you want to get out of MFP, beyond the generic "mentorship, connections, build entrepreneurship mindset." You have to show that you know exactly what you want and how you're going to maximize the shit out of this opportunity to make it happen. Is it an advisor, a specific internship you're hoping to get via MFP, an alumni, etc. MFP is highly prestigious and only accepts a dozen people a year so you're going to have to be super dialed in. If you reference it here, you need to demonstrate that you're a strong candidate for it.
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As an aspiring engineer, I aim to develop AI-enabled robotic surgical equipment to push the boundaries of safer, more accessible procedures. I’m excited to pursue STVP’s entrepreneurship pathways, especially the Mayfield Fellows Program, as a launchpad to refine my idea with hands-on mentorship, industry exposure, and a dynamic entrepreneurial community.
Sample Two - Common App Personal Statement
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I’ve been quick to give advice to others, yet struggled to embrace it myself. As a result, I started to react to life's flaws in a different way. Soon, it became natural for me to laugh when I make a mistake and to heave a sigh of relief when I just about passed a test. The bow felt light in my hand when I picked up the cello for my own enjoyment again. My academics shifted from a relentless pursuit of perfect scores to a genuine curiosity to learn.
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I like the first example about making a mistake, but this one starts to feel like you're implying that you're embracing mediocrity. rather, I think what you're implying and could maybe clarify is that you're learning to (xyz) - not sure what that is but perhaps it's biased for action vs perfection, learning from mistakes, understanding perfection is the enemy of the good, enjoy the journey so that you don't miss the forest for the trees, etc.ption
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After that, I decided to react to life's flaws in a different way. Taking my own advice and acknowledging my work rather than beating myself up positively changed my outlook on my actions. The bow feels light in my hand when I pick up the cello for my own enjoyment now. My academics shifted from a relentless pursuit of perfect scores to a genuine curiosity to learn.
Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design. (This sample is only of one paragraph from a student’s personal statement)
AI Essay Sample Rewrites / Feedback
Our Thoughts on AI and College Essays | Admissions
AI is one of the most powerful tools students have at their fingertips today—and we believe they should absolutely be using it. From brainstorming ideas to polishing grammar, AI can help students write faster and explore more directions than ever before.
But here’s the truth: AI can’t replace human insight, nuance, or judgment. And it certainly can’t replace real discovery about who you are, what you care about, and how to tell your story with authenticity.
At Cardinal College Consulting, we see AI as a launchpad—not a substitute. The difference-maker is the feedback, refinement, and strategic insight we provide to turn a generic draft into something that truly stands out. It's not just about what you write—it's about what you choose to say, how you say it, and why it matters.
